Rectals (for dummies)

Days at uni are always far more interesting when we get shown how to do all number of exiciting clinical examinations (blood pressure is simply fascinating, and words cannot describe the joy of musculoskeletal examinations), however the prospect of a rectal examination was pretty amusing.

We actually practice on a mannequin that is basically the pelvis (minus the buttocks). FYI the process of rectals are:

• introduce yourself, and explain procedure to a mannequin (you get extra points for coming up with the most ridiculous euphemism to explain a 'insert my finger into your rectum')
• put on gloves (this is a pretty vital step)
• position patient lying on left side and knees bent (quite easy to do when all you have is a pelvis in front of you)
• spread the buttocks (that is actually the phrase that is used)
• inspect the anal region (and comment on it!)
• lube up your index finger and tell the mannequin to 'strain'... quite hard for a plastic pelvis to do.
• insert said finger and feel the left lateral, right lateral and posterior wall of the rectum
• feel for the prostate (whilst saying 'You may feel you want to pass urine... don't worry, you won't')
• remove finger and comment on any stool, mucus or blood on the glove.
• wipe the perianal area
• put gloves into a clinical waste bin
• Thank the patient...
• WASH YOUR HANDS

You'd think that watching people speaking to a plastic pelvis and then examining a fake rectum would not be as funny the 9th time... apparently not.

Sigh. I really wonder at what I've got myself into with this whole medicine milarky.