End of

Exams have been passed.

This ridiculous godawful joke of year is over.

I'm happy.

Ex-ZOO-berence

Today was spent at Edinburgh Zoo, which turned out to be FILLED with Glaswegian school children (not in the cages). 

This reminded me of the traumatic childhood experience when we went on Primary 4 school trip there: Of the short amount of time we actually spent in the zoo, about 2 hours were taken up by a lecture (this word is not an exaggeration) about animal bones and their legs. Quite frankly even now I wouldn't be able to stand a two hour lecture about animal legs, let alone as a 8 year old.

Due to the ridiculously small amount of time we actually got looking at the animals in 1996, it came as a surprise just how huge the zoo is. We were walking up endless hills, looking into infinite cages of [insert animal I've never heard of here] where there was little sign of any life. And when we did see the animals, they looked so distressingly miserable. Just like the people of Edinburgh. How ironic.

First day of my life

I feel I am making the best use of my time off:

• I got up at 12pm
• The main decision of my day was what fruit I was going to eat (FYI I had grapes, strawberries, an apple and a peach)
• I watched Scooby-Doo, the movie, on ITV

And yet I still feel tired. Weird.

People are Strange

The call of duty of a St Andrew's First Aid volunteer took me to the Carling Academy tonight to see Riders on the Storm, which turned out to be this bizarre hybrid of The Doors and a Doors tribute band.

The band consisted of two former members of The Doors (the keyboardist and the guitarist) and a bassist and singer:

• The keyboardist was a kindly old man, who was battling against the fact that keyboards are invariably uncool - his pièce de la résistance was to knock over his stool (the rebel) and play with one of his feet. I was gravely concerned a hip replacement was on the cards.
  
• The guitarist looked oddly like Art Garfunkel. Except ginger.
• The bassist was from Jamaica.
• The singer was probably the youngest of them all, but had the unenviable position of trying to emulate Jim Morrison. I couldn't help but feel that it would be soul destroying to spend your life being a glorified karaoke singer in a band of old men, living off past glories. But that's just what I think. Whatever.

I noted the demographic of the fans was also quite strange as there was:

1. a high proportion of people sporting the demin jacket/jeans combo
2. lots of men with really bad hair, but there was a large number of very similar bad hair (long, frizzy and in need of a wash)
3. there was lots of awful dancing: think of a combo of the enthusiasm of Jake Shears' (from the Scissor Sisters) and the co-ordination of a small elephant
4. there was a woman who was actually the shape of a square

Thankfully the bad hair, bad clothes, bad dancing and bizarrely shaped people did not result in any massive first aid emergency.

Medical Sickness

As part of our OSCE exam, we are tested on communication skills: these are simulated by actors who play patients, most of whom usually have some kind of dark hidden secret.

One of the exam stations was a practice nurse who was concerned about a GP whom she suspected of having an alcohol problem. I gibbered on for a while, occasionally using words such as 'confidientiality' and 'report him to the GMC'. My absolute highlight was when I suggested there were organisations, such as Medical Sickness, who were able to help doctors with alcohol and drug problems.

The only problem with this is, Medical Sickness is an insurance company. Good for health insurance, not so hot on drug and alcohol problems.

I heart exams

My three exams are over. Paper 1, Paper 2 and OCSE (practical) are OVER. Examples of how my week has gone:

What texture is the liver? [blank expression]

Why must you check intracranial pressure before performing a lumbar puncture? [blank, slightly confused expression]

A patient has come with rectal bleeding. Perform a rectal examination. [blank, slightly confused expression and well lubricated finger]

But I can now reclaim my life from the clutches of the evil empire of Medicine, and now I can begin the rapid process of emptying my mind of anything remotely to do with the human body.

Oh. And get ridiculously drunk.

Slowly grinding me down

Woe is me! Midway through exam week and I have caught tuberculosis! Or maybe its a cold. I don't know, I ain't no doctor.

Inside out = my mind

I managed to walk the entire way to uni (30 minutes) and sit through 45 minutes of a lab (in which we shown what alcohol does to your liver) before I noticed my t-shirt was inside out.

Sigh.

You lift me up

Another Sunday, another funday in the library.

I had set up my folders, pens and paper (aka my studying base camp/battleground) on the 8th floor, in front of the window for a delightfully distracting view over Glasgow. I realised that I had to go downstairs to pick up a book and, being a lazy son of a gun, I felt that a trip in the lift was in order. As I approoached the lift, someone was already in and the doors were about to close: however being an impatient FOOL, I decided to make a dash for it and save invaluable seconds.

Unfortunately the doors began to close just as I reached them, resulting in them crashing into my shoulder before stopping, and opening. Quite what was more painful: my shoulder or the horrendously embarrassing conversation that followed, is not entirely clear.

And that's what makes it so vexing

Below is a list of people who will have finished their exams and, therefore, will be on their summer holidays from Glasgow Uni as of Tuesday:

• Law students
• Accountancy students
• Biology students
• English literature students
• English language students
• Dental students
• Computing science students
• Maths students
• Divinity students
• Politic students
• Economic students
• Georgraphy students
• Nursing students
• Language students
• Geology students
• Archaeology students
• Psychology students
• Chemistry students
• Physics students
• Astronomy students
• Engineering students
• First Year medical students
• Third Year medical students
• Fifth Year medical students

Below is a list of people who still have exams:

• Second Year medical students

If I was the paranoid type, I would be developing a persecution complex.

A serious problem

There always seems to be something that keeps me sane during a long library session, and tonight was no different. When going to get a book, I walked past a computer (which no one was at) and it had blank screen with the phrase:

I'm can't believe I'm 20 and I shat myself

Classic.