Excruciating Minutiae

Were I to describe 2008 in one word it would be ... crunchy.

2009-01-02T15:05:00.002Z

So, 2008 is pretty much done and dusted. By working with St Andrew's Ambulance at Merchant Square and George Square at Hogmanay, I achieved a number of things:

I was stone cold sober at the bells for the first time in five years
I remember the bells for the first time in three years
I got to appreciate how ridiculously drunk people dance
I was not hungover on Ne'ers day
I get to take the moral high ground. Je suis holier than thou.

Looking back on my aims and objective (2008) I find that:

Go to Brighton/Ukraine = FAIL.
Get a car = FAIL
Get a tattoo = DONE. I got a tattoo, yeah I got ink done (except I asked for a 13 and they drew a 31)
Learn to juggle = FAIL. Although I haven't REALLY been trying all that much. Maybe 2009 is my year.
Go to see the Flaming Lips = FAIL. This is not my fault as they have decided to (for another year) not tour in Scotland.
Go to all 12 hours of cheeeeeeeeeeeeeesy pop = DONE. Oh my, to see the daylight at 8am after 12 hour christmas cheesy pop was one of the sweetest (most tired) sights I have ever seen.
Become less antisocial and talk to more strangers (obviously not taking sweets from them/getting into cars - I ain't no fool) = UNCLEAR. This was really a bit of a half assed aim/objective.
Be an extra in a Bollywood film = FAIL. But oh my god did I come close- On my first day in Bombay (Mumbai, whatever) I stepped out of a taxi on Colaba Causeway to be greeted with 'Do you want to be in a Bollywood film'... Inside my head I was screaming "OH MY GOD YES", but played it cool and replied "OH MY GOD YES". It was going to be a drama set in the days of the British Raj and I would have been dressed up like a 1930s gentleman... The guy offered to send a car to pick me up from my hotel the next morning, but as I had just arrived I had literally no idea where my hotel was so instead I had to meet him at McDonalds at 8am the next morning. So off I trotted home and duly set my alarm for 6:30am and went to bed... It must have been the jet lag, but I woke up the next day at 9:30am - probably one of my top 3 worst moments of my life. Ever.
Learn to speak basic Hindi - QUALIFIED SUCCESS. I know how to say 'hello', 'thank you', 'water', 'open your eyes' and 'do you want us to take the tube out your throat'.
Become fit - IN THE PROCESS OF BECOMING DONE. I've enter a marathon. Creeping Jesus, I'll become fit or die trying. It could go either way.
Go to the cinema on my own - DONE. I went to see Kung-Fu Panda in Bombay on my own. FYI Indian children in the cinema are just as annoying as British children.
Learn to unicycle (potentially combining this with 4) - FAIL. Again, not much chance to practice.

Now this leads me quite nicely onto 2009's aims and objectives:

Complete the Edinburgh Marathon
Get another piercing/tattoo
Go on holiday outside of Europe during the summer
Get a proper haircut (ie not just head shaved)
Don't attend my graduation
Start to write a Broadway musical about my life
Hand make some of my clothes
Don't fall over during/on nights out
Don't vomit due to alcohol

As ever, Carrie and I have yet to come up with our song representing our hopes, dreams and aspitations for 2009... but this will come in due course.

Summer Anthem 2008

2008-05-30T01:12:00.002+01:00

Good news. Our new summer anthem (this makes it sound like we have previous summer anthems - LIE) is:

The greatest Eurovision entry ever? Definitely yes.

Andrew vs Medicine

2008-05-04T23:35:00.002+01:00

Please see the above photo and fact that I have exams in two weeks time that can test EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE AT UNI FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS, and take it as an explanation as to why I've been so amiss with updates.

Andrew 2 - Medicine 0 (this could be very different soon)

Conspiracy Theory

2008-03-04T23:47:00.002Z

I spent nine (count them) hours in work today. Nine of hours of soul destroying admin work.

My one highlight was to hear the inane chatter of the people whose full-time job is said soul destroying admin work. There was a good ten minutes conversation on butter, margarine and spreadable butter that ended with a quote that I feel sums up the mind numbingness pretty damn well:

'Lurpack spreadble... it's just a TOTAL lie.'

Roll on quitting this job (1 week left!).

Metronomification

2008-02-25T18:14:00.003Z

Last night was spent at King Tut's watching (the super awesome) Metronomy. I particularly enjoyed the lights on their t-shirts and dance moves.

Standing in front of us were none other than Glasgow's Franz Ferdinand. They were all quite short, which surprised me as I thought that all celebrities were giants. Who knew?

Mad as hatters

2008-02-22T19:33:00.002Z

In the attempt to get a hat (for the hat themed 'Edward Ciderhands and Amy Winehands' party - one in which your drink is duck taped to your hand) we went to a vintage shop off of Byres Road.

Whilst there we were engaged in conversation by the shop owner for a good 25 minutes, with topics ranging from:

excessively high platform shoes
Converse
shoplifting
violent crime in Glasgow
the West End Festival
more violent crime (more specifically in the West End)
Inappropriate comments being shouted at scantily clad young women, and how that didn't happen in her day
The things she got up to a youngster
How she feels that ther 14 year old son is safe in the West End, but not in town
Hats
The rapidly diminishing stock of 1930s and 40s clothing
Alcoholic liver disease
Drug driving

I think if other customers had not come in at this point, we may still be there.

One year on

2008-01-17T10:22:00.001Z

It was exactly one year ago today that I passed my driving test (at about this time last year I would just be driving to the test centre, imagining the new and impressive ways that I might fail this time). Number of times Andrew has driven a car since passing test = 0.

I feel that I did have some pretty impressive driving test failures (none, sadly, that required the test to be stopped on 'Health and Safety grounds' - when this happens, the examiner gets out of the car and you have to walk back to the test centre with them as they aren't allowed to drive the car and you are too dangerous to. I'd imagine this would be just a wee bit mortifying.):

Test number 1 - two majors. Both because I didn't look behind me when I was reversing during the test (and also because I almost hit a pedestrian when I was reversing at the very end of the test). The examiner actually said 'Did you not see that person?!', to which I couldn't decide which was the better answer - 'Yes, I was trying to hit him' or 'No, I don't look behind me when I reverse'. Needless to say, a big fat FAIL.

Test number 2 - one major. Stupid, fucking, bane of my life 'unmarked crossroads'. I accidently, instead of stopping at one, accelerated towards it. This caused my examiner to SLAM on the brakes and do an emergency stop, it was this that gave me the clue that I had failed for a second time.

Test number 3 - PASS. Despite, whilst reversing round a corner, I managed to go onto the other side of the road, I still passed. They must have felt sorry for me or something.

This does bring me to a most amusing incident I saw last night when walking to work. I saw a car which was parked at the side of the road start to reverse (as if to get enough room to pull away) towards a car that was about 3 metres behind it. The only problem is, the person was revesing as if she was trying to escape from some kind of crazed axe murderer chasing her car from the front, and consequently (and I could see what would happen, but was powerless to stop it) she SMASHED into the car behind... unfortunately, there was someone sitting in the car behind, and MAN he didn't look too pleased (or sound) too pleased.

It's at time like these I think it's probably for the best that I haven't driven a car, as I can picture me in situations as above or like Thelma and Loiuse:

I think I'll have myself a beer

2008-01-05T20:05:00.001Z

Carrie and Andrew's official song of 2008 has been decided. It came to us like a divine vision: Reel Big Fish - Beer.

Our reasons are two-fold:
1. We both enjoy beer, and will often find ourselves saying 'I think I'll have myself a beer'.
2. We feel this song represents good times, and good times are what we are all about.

I heart medicine

2008-01-03T12:02:00.000Z

As a medical student, I've always had the sneaking suspicion that we get somewhat of a hard deal, for example:

not finishing first year until June
being the last people in uni to have exams in second year
going back to uni TODAY, which if this was a normal Christmas holiday I would still be drunk/recovering
not finishing third year until the end of June
getting summer holidays in which you have to work in a hospital

Hmmm, but then again, if these things didn't happen, I'd have nothing to complain about...

Another year over, a new one just begun

2008-01-01T17:34:00.000Z

Well there went 2007, the Andrew year of the blog. And thus begins 2008, the Andrew year of the... em, weblog. Also I feel it is an appropriate time to review my 'Aims and Objectives 2007:

Aims and objectives 2007

Start a blog = DONE, this goes without saying really.
Go to Brighton/Ukraine = NOT DONE, but is being carried over to 2008 as it's really quite a good one
Pass my driving test = DONE, as I'm SUCH a good driver
Get a car = NOT DONE, being carried over to 2008 as I'd quite like to be able to go cruising... Ghetto stylee
Get a piercing = DONE, my lovely right ear is now beautifully adorned with jewellery
Get a tattoo = NOT DONE, being carried over to 2008 and I now have an idea (albeit a quite stupid one)
Enter a road race = NOT DONE, my shortlived infatuation with running is over so this will not be carried over
Learn to juggle = NOT DONE, being carried over to 2008 as I really want to juggle, hopefully with knives
Become a YouTube overnight sensation = NOT DONE, it was a bit of a long shot
Go to see the Flaming Lips = NOT DONE, as they didn't come, but being carried over to 2008
Go to all 12 hours of 12 hour Cheeeesy Pop = NOT DONE, due to having to go to stupid work the next morning... being carried over to 2008.

So, as one can see: 2007 was not particularly successful in terms of aims and objectives. Therefore I will have MORE in 2008, in the hope that I can achieve more than my paltry 3:

Aims and Objective 2008

Go to Brighton/Ukraine
Get a car
Get a tattoo
Learn to juggle
Go to see the Flaming Lips
Go to all 12 hours of cheeeeeeeeeeeeeesy pop
Become less antisocial and talk to more strangers (obviously not taking sweets from them/getting into cars - I ain't no fool)
Be an extra in a Bollywood film
Learn to speak basic Hindi
Become fit
Go to the cinema on my own
Learn to unicycle (potentially combining this with 4)

Also me and Carrie have yet to decide on our 'Song for 2008'.

And so this is Christmas

2007-12-26T23:48:00.000Z

I managed to spend Christmas Night getting drunk with my brothers in Bar Buddha. One (of the two) bar staff was a woman dressed in a short, red, furry (and decidely festive) dress - with white trimming.

Upon talking to her and sympathising with her plight (working on Christmas Day), she replies with a line, which I feel perfectly sums up the modern magic of Christmas:

It's not that bad, I took a couple of pills before I started.

It could almost be It's A Wonderful Life.

Subway Tunnel Terror

2007-12-20T20:26:00.000Z

Oops, it appears I have been somewhat careless with this blog of late; suffice to having moved out and having yet to buy a laptop, I am somewhat limited when it comes to internet access.

Anywho, I had to laugh so much when I saw the headline 'Subway Tunnel Terror' on the Evening Times' news stands in town. I had images of some catastrophe such as a crash or Al-Qaeda terror plot...

But no. As you can read here, it was in fact a broken down train and people having t0 walk through the tunnels. I have only a slight problem with the headline: Subway (yes, it was on the subway) Tunnel (yes, people did walk through a tunnel) Terror (ahem). The best part about it is upon closer reading, it wasn't so much terror as 'not very pleasant' and 'a wee bit panicky'.

Although the pièce de résistance was that the story's main source is the actor playing Buttons in the Pavillion Panto. I love this city.

Cleveden School Musical

2007-09-23T00:57:00.000+01:00

Having watched High School Musical 2 (FYI it was ACE), this has inspired me to write Cleveden School Musical. My thoughts are I need: social groups to form the chrous, main charaters, a list of songs and a brief synopsis.

The chorus

I have decided that there will be social groups, each with identifying features:

The neds - marked by their interesting choice in clothing and loud annoying voices, these members of the chorus will be the most obvious and get the most attention.
The gangstas - not like Bugsy Malone, sadly.
The mini moshers - never taller that 5 foot 6, and resplendent in various hoodies for shite bands (will be replaced by emos/emus in the sequel)
The odd people - the ones who seem to hate everyone
The non-shit people - a sizeable group who seem non-plussed at the chaos that ensues around them.

Main Characters

There also has to be some main characters:

Rab - "The heart throb" - Finding a Zac Efron style character (ie bad hair and orange skin) will not be difficult from the neds. Enjoys PE.
Kelly-Louise - "The love interest" - Ideally she will have platinum hair and equally orange skin.
Chantelle - "The jealous love interest" - Will be experienced in fist fighting and shrieking like a hag.
Coach McPherson - The PE teacher with no knee caps
Mr Green - A teacher with ned sympathies
Mr V - A character that is never seen, but only heard over a tannoy

Synopsis + Song List

Opening Scene (On the pitch)

A PE lesson with Coach McPherson and the chrous. After some poor softball performances by the non-shit people, she launches into the song Give It Your All (I Gave My Knee Caps). After this rousing tune, Rab steps up to the plate and hits a home run (after one of the non-shit people makes no effort to catch/throw the ball). Kelly-Louise and Chantelle are both seen in the background.

Scene 2 (Changing Room)

Whilst the rest of the chorus changes without incident, the neds seem to take forever because they spend so much time spraying Lynx around the place. From the midst of the cloud of choking 'deodourant', Rab emerges (stars in your eye's style) to perform the touching ballad Ah Pure Fancy You. By the end of song, everyone has emerged from the changing room and is face to face with Kelly-Louise (who seems somewhat disinterested).

Scene 3 (a classroom)

The chorus is sitting in a class room, when the tannoy sounds. Mr V then performs a solo of The Lost Property Medley. By the end of the song the neds are running around wild, and the neds (including Rab, Kelly-Louise and Chantelle) referred on a pink form and Rab responds with the angry tirade of a song Pink Is The Colour Of Love.

Scene 4 (a teachers office)

It is revealed in the course of a conversation between Mr Green and the neds that a School Disco is on the next night, and that they will not be allowed to go (due to their pink referrals). This changes when Mr Green sings the song Cut You A Deal, in which the neds will be allowed to go in return for 'good behaviour' (this includes not starting fights/fires, managing an hour without doing something mind numbingly stupid).

Scene 5 (a school corridor)

The camera starts with Rab who sings This Is My Chance, a delightful song expressing his hopes to 'nip' Kelly-Louise. It then pans Kelly-Louise who sings about her hopes that Rab wears a shirt and yellow timberland shoes to the disco. It ends with Chantelle, the tempo become faster and she sings about her plans to split the modern day Romeo and Juliet by sabotaging Rab's good behaviour.

Scene 6 (the playground)

Chantelle starts to sing Rab Called You Gay to random boys in the chorus, the non-shit people seem unbothered (or think 'Suspiciously accurate gaydar') and its only when she sings it to the neds that a fight ensues involving Rab. Mr Green arrives and reluctantly sings My First Disco Banning.

Scene 7 (somewhere outside)

Rab is sitting drinking Buckfast singing If I Can't Get Fucked I'm Going To Get Pished, when Chantelle appears... The scene fades to black.

Scene 8 (The school disco)

Kelly-Louise is standing alone in the dance floor looking wistfully into the distance and singing He's The Only One For Me (But If He Takes Any Longer I'm Nipping Anyone Withing Ten Feet). Our hero Rab stumbles in (having entered via one of the heavily guarded fire doors) and looks distraught and sings I Gave Chantelle My Heart (And All She Gave Me Was The Clap). Chantelle appears and there is a tense silence. Rab and Kelly-Louise run towards each other and conclude the performance by singing a duet STDs Are Fine By Me.

Epilogue (Cleveden - 2 years later)

The non-shit people perform They're Gone! summing up the events of the past two years (ie the herpes, the pregnancies).

caliFORNICATION

2007-08-24T20:59:00.000+01:00

My yesterday was spent mainly at Hampden, being on duty with St Andrew's First Aid at the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I decided, for some unknown reason, to walk to Hampden. It took me an hour and a half and I managed to burst into the pre event briefing wringing in sweat and bright red in the face... it was, after all, moderately warm yesterday.

The concert was a bit rubbish:

Biffy Clyro = Pish

Red Hot Chili Peppers = Let down

Crowd = Not full capacity, bit of a rubbish atmosphere

I then, for some still unfathomable reason, thought that walking home from Hampden at quarter to midnight would be a good idea. Although I didn't get home until 1:30am, there were two good things about the walk: I didn't get stabbed and I had an amusing encounter in a woman in Anderston, who was dressed rather racily and in leather boots:

Woman - 'Zzzzyo waaaaan a good tim'?'

Andrew - 'Excuse me?'

Woman - 'Are zyoooou loooookin' for some bizzzzzznes?'

Andrew - [Stopping to speak to her] 'Come again?'

Woman - [With marked pellucidity, due to a contrived posh Glasgow accent ]'Are you looking for a good time? Are you wanting some business?'

Andrew - 'Em... not tonight'

And with that I left the elderly prostitute, feeling ever so insulted that I had been propositioned as I'm not a sleazy old man driving slowly past in a car. Although I did like the fact she put on a fake posh Glasgow accent, she obviously detected I was a cut above.

best. dream. ever.

2007-08-23T14:00:00.000+01:00

As the title suggests, I had a very good dream last night.

I was having a celebrity style war (à la Paris Hilton) with Nicole Ritchie. In the end we made up, and were best of pals again.

Sadly I woke up before we could film a TV series together.

The nurse

2007-08-21T00:16:00.000+01:00

Don't get me wrong, nurses are great.

However, one of the most amusing websites I've come across is The Center for Nursing Advocacy. It would appear that these people are taking on the world of misrepresentation of nurses, particularly:

television - you can join their House, ER and Grey's Anatomy letter writing campaigns. Wait... House isn't an like a real hospital? Good lord.
films - there's a review of the the most BORING FILM EVER. John Q.
songs - I didn't quite realise it was possible to give a song a 'nursing rating' as to how well it represents nurses... Apparently so. FYI, blink 182's 'Enema of the State' gets a meagre half a star.
how superior nurses are to doctors in every single way, without exception.

MAN, I wish they'd just stop their complaining and get back to emptying the bedpans.

I'm kidding.

How appropriate, you fight like a cow.

2007-08-11T00:49:00.000+01:00

I think I have discovered one of the greatest things on the internet. Ever.

The Viper, The Brazilian and the Madonna style dancing

2007-08-09T18:56:00.000+01:00

Last night was really quite amusing. A pretty amazing time was had at the Viper, previously I had thought this was a contradiction in terms.

Having spent a good few hours drinking in the garden, eating blackjacks and listening to some banging tunes (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=EwTZ2xpQwpA), we made our way to Viper.

We made it past the bouncers (who thought my name was Ashley) and were ready for a night of questionable music and cheap drink. We did not bank on a Brazilian being tossed into the mix. Mhairi had gone to the bar to get drinks, and came back with Benardo, a Brazilian who had just been in Belfast and arrived in Glasgow for 3 hours. Bernado stayed with us all night.

Claire and I managed to dance like Madonna (see below) to pretty much every song, much to the bafflement of Bernado... but he soon got into the spirit, although he may have been humouring us.

The night ended with: Irn-Bru, raisins and a sense of general well being.

Neglection

2007-08-01T01:04:00.000+01:00

It appears that my blogging has been somewhat lacklustre (a bit like this).

My reason is that my life has taken on a distressing cycle of sleeping and working, whilst trying in vain to fit some kind of normal eating pattern in between. The way I've written this sounds like I am working a 60 hour week, and not my meagre 16 hours.

16 long, hard hours.

Andrew and work, like horse and carriage

2007-07-16T00:14:00.000+01:00

My, oh my. So many days since my last blog.

I blame this on two factors:

T in the Park - Despite the nine and a half hours I spent in traffic getting there (when it should have taken one and a half hours), I had a superfun time. When not on the radios dealing with fracture ankle, after fractured ankle and fractured FUCKING ankle; I speny my weekend in the sun taking in some pretty awesome bands. Oh, and there was some guy running about the site on the Sunday night with a knife... nice.
Work - I have started my first ever permenant job: there is no light at the end of the tunnel in the form of the end of a temporary contract. I have to wear 'business clothes', I have a photo id badge and my job involves cheques and money. This is a recipe for disaster.

Presumably my next post will be when I am fired/arrested for some major ENRON style fraud, that I have inadvertantly caused.

Three in the Park

2007-07-06T01:08:00.000+01:00

This year's T in the Park marks my third in attendance with St Andrew's Ambulance, and I am so very happy that I will not be camping this year. I shall be staying in a bed and breakfast... this means:

NO tents
LOTS of showers
cooked breakfast, as opposed to cereal bars... don't get me wrong, I do love a good cereal bar, but I have my limits.

Sadly we won't be working the 15 hour shifts this year (which were surprisingly good fun), instead we shall only be working 10 hours (boo!).

I will also be mainly doing radio communications this weekend, so my contact with unconciously drunk people will be minimal sadly. Although I do plan to try and wander into the VIP backstage area by 'accident'.

Plane silly

2007-07-01T16:18:00.001+01:00

Yesterday, I watched Snakes on a Plane (FYI pretty awesome) as well as the 'terrorist attack' at Glasgow Airport on tv. All in all, not making for a good day for flying.

Yet now all I want to do with my summer is somehow create a situation in which I can use the phrase 'I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane'.

Btw, if you haven't seen Snakes on a Plane, it's pretty much like this: Goats on a Boat.

End of

2007-06-26T21:03:00.000+01:00

Exams have been passed.

This ridiculous godawful joke of year is over.

I'm happy.

Ex-ZOO-berence

2007-06-19T22:39:00.000+01:00

Today was spent at Edinburgh Zoo, which turned out to be FILLED with Glaswegian school children (not in the cages).

This reminded me of the traumatic childhood experience when we went on Primary 4 school trip there: Of the short amount of time we actually spent in the zoo, about 2 hours were taken up by a lecture (this word is not an exaggeration) about animal bones and their legs. Quite frankly even now I wouldn't be able to stand a two hour lecture about animal legs, let alone as a 8 year old.

Due to the ridiculously small amount of time we actually got looking at the animals in 1996, it came as a surprise just how huge the zoo is. We were walking up endless hills, looking into infinite cages of [insert animal I've never heard of here] where there was little sign of any life. And when we did see the animals, they looked so distressingly miserable. Just like the people of Edinburgh. How ironic.

First day of my life

2007-06-17T01:01:00.000+01:00

I feel I am making the best use of my time off:

I got up at 12pm
The main decision of my day was what fruit I was going to eat (FYI I had grapes, strawberries, an apple and a peach)
I watched Scooby-Doo, the movie, on ITV

And yet I still feel tired. Weird.